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7 Ways to Kick the Co-Dependency Habit

July 1, 2011 by
An L-kick

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Is co-dependency wreaking havoc on your life? I never realized how many co-dependent people were in my family. This doesn’t sit well with me because I’m a strong, independent woman who enjoys doing things for me. Before I ask for help, I research a problem and exhaust all resources. After I’m convinced that I need help, I seek it out. I don’t automatically ask for help without trying to figure something out on my own. Besides, I love a good challenge and wouldn’t want to miss out on an opportunity to learn something new. I set goals because they suit me not to please others. I also don’t expect people to ‘guess’ what I need — I tell them. One of my favorite quotes is, “What others think of me is none of my business.” Adopting this into your life could set you free.

Most people ask for help without seeking solutions to their problems. Their co-dependent ways can be a turn-off and irritate the people around them. Think about the people in your life. Do they turn to you every time they have a problem? How do they react when you ask them, “Did you try this or that?” Do they get mad or upset? Do they play the ‘poor me, victim, or I’m helpless” card? On the flip side, if you attract co-dependent people into your life, you may want to examine “why” this happens. Perhaps, you have a tendency to ‘save’ (rescue archetype) everyone who crosses your path. What are you getting out of this? How is it serving you? How is it serving others? Perhaps, you attract these people because you want to feel needed and love. There’s a big difference between wanting to help because you want to versus needing to help because you get something out it.

7 Ways to Kick the Codependency Habit

1. Journal your thoughts and feelings about co-dependency. Examine where you tend to be co-dependent in your life. What is your self-worth?

2. What are you afraid of? Being independent? Not hurting another person’s feelings? What’s stopping you from kicking the co-dependency habit?

3. Before you ask others for help, try to solve your own problems.

4. Stop believing and feeling you’re responsible for ‘fixing’ the problems of the people in your life.

5. Examine if you set goals based on what people will think of you. Do you seek their approval?

6. Stop manipulating others with your moods. For example, “I’m unhappy; therefore, you should stop what you’re doing and take care of me.”

7. Start telling people what you need instead of leaving them to guess.

If you want to improve your relationships, you may want to break the ‘co-dependency’ habit. Controlling others won’t work and can push them right out of your life. Stop telling people what to do — it’s not your job. They need to find their own path and figure it out. If they need your help, they’ll ask for it. It’s too exhausting and unhealthy for the people in your life to have to guess what you want and for you to set goals based on gaining their approval. Your goals are your goals; others may not understand ‘why’ you want to set and reach them. They don’t have to.

Break the co-dependency habit today, and live a happier, stress free life tomorrow!

Rebecca

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Words of the Past Can Impact Your Life Today

June 13, 2011 by
put out before thought out

Image by Will Lion via Flickr

For some reason, I was thinking about my elementary and high school days. I remembered how I was picked on or bullied in high school. My elementary Catholic School didn’t tolerate any “B.S” from the students. They had no problem expelling and suspending students. Public school was different from Catholic school in more ways than one. The kids seemed wilder and out of control to me. Ninth grade was a breeze for me because the education I received from my Catholic school was ahead of the public high school I attended. If I had to do it all over again, I would have accepted my aunt and uncle’s offer to attend a Catholic high school. The religion may not have resonated (still doesn’t) with me, but I would have received a better education which was more important. Live and learn!

I was an overweight teenager and was picked on by some older kids. I was also picked on a group of freshmen who started a nasty rumor about me. My parents were called into the office because the principal thought I made it up to get attention. I guess the good news was that nobody really believed the rumor. However, I thought the entire school did. I was amazed how karma’ bit these people in the butt. At the time I didn’t realize it was their karma coming back to bite them, but I do now.

Tip: Think before you speak.

I was thinking about my sister and how a junior high school teacher called my parents into her office to tell them my sister was ‘too stupid’ to pursue a nursing degree. My sister always wanted to be a nurse. Needless to say, that teacher’s words hit my sister harder than a fist. Her words still affect my sister; she still wants to become a nurse. The ignorant teacher planted seeds of defeat and doubt into my sister’s head. She’s trying to shake them off, but they still have a hold on her.

It’s amazing how our words can make or break a person. You may have had words of defeat and doubt spoken over you as a child. Find the courage within yourself to release them once and for all. Forgive the people because if you don’t, they’ll still have a hold on you. It’s up to you to take responsibility for your life. You can be, do, and have anything you want in life. How bad do you want it? What are you willing to do to grab hold of your desires? The first step is to acknowledge you deserve the best that life has to offer. The second step is to release and bless the past. The final step is to discover what makes your heart sing and go for it. Remember what Napoleon Hill said, “Don’t wait. The time will never be just right.” Allow no one to talk you out of your dreams. Do what you want.

Rebecca

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How to Stand in Your Power with Family

June 8, 2011 by
Cover of "Angels and Spirit Guides"

Cover of Angels and Spirit Guides

I’m the type of person that likes to live by the motto “Live and let live.” I don’t bother anyone and respect that people have their lives to live. What they do has absolutely nothing to with me or my happiness. For example, if my sister said to me, “I’m moving to Charleston, SC. Bye!” My response would be, “Fantastic! Good luck to you! Let me know when you’re settled, I’d love to visit.” I wouldn’t go on and on how she was leaving me, her kids (actually it would be my 17-year-old niece who’s heading to college in the fall), or our mother. My sister turns 45 on September 30 and can do what she wants. My happiness doesn’t depend on her living 15 minutes away for me. I also couldn’t force her to live in the Southwest which is where I want to move back to. Why is it that certain family members, who aren’t healthy for you, insist on pushing their way back into your life? How do you stand in your power and gently say, “No, thank you?”

How to stand in your power with family

1. Be honest. Sometimes you need to tell people what you think of them. Stay calm and don’t raise your voice.

2. Say “No” and mean it. If you disappoint or ‘tick-off’ people, oh well! If you say “Yes,” when you want to say “No,” you’ll be miserable and won’t come from a place of authenticity or love.

3. Learn to be disliked. This is a tough one for most people, especially women. I realized this is an issue for me. I’d rather be happy than hang out with people whom I don’t want to hang out with. I’d rather be happy and do my own thing than be sucked into drama.

4. Call upon your angels, spirit guides, and ascended masters. I’ve been doing this, but I do question if it works. I still call upon Archangel Michael, God, Quan Yin, and others to help guide me and release people and situations from my life that are toxic to me.

5. Step out in nature. Being in nature can refresh you. Go to the park or sit outside. Allow your mind to wander, listen to the birds sing, or watch the clouds in the sky. Walk in the grass or hug a tree. Give all your stress to Mother Earth and allow it to be transmuted into love.

6. Love you! No matter what, love and accept yourself. Remember, you are responsible for you and no one else.

I have great respect for people who own who they are. They don’t give a flying leap about what others think. They live their lives the way they want to without a care in the world. They’re very powerful and have no guilt about telling people what they think of them. I strive to be like this. I feel as if certain people are siphoning my light and energy from me; it’s really starting to irritate me.

I’ve studied metaphysical and spiritual topics now for four years and according to all of the authors I’ve read, all of us have angels and spirit guides who supposed to help us. I’m constantly giving people and situations to God and the angels so they can deal with it. Why isn’t it working? I have no desire to be around people who drain me. To quote Abraham-Hicks, “One minute you’re in the vortex and the next minute you’re out. What happened?”

I’ve learned that I must stand in my power and be who I am. If I don’t accept who I am, I won’t be happy. And when I’m not happy, no one will be happy. It’s like that saying, “Happy wife, happy life!” Seriously though, no one has the right to infringe upon your space and serenity. I like what Oprah said on her farewell show, “Don’t wait for someone to save you, save yourself. Take responsibility for your own life.” I wish certain family members of mine would hear this.

Rebecca

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Life Can be like a Bitter Sweet Symphony

May 30, 2011 by
Bitter Sweet Symphony

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I love 1990s and would go back in time to that decade if I could. I know most people would say, “No, no. I wouldn’t go back in time. What if I wouldn’t learn the lessons I’ve learned? What if my life would change drastically?” My response to that is, “If I could learn then what I know now my life would flow smoother and be easier.”

One of my favorite bands from the 1990s was and is The Verve. Their hit Bitter Sweet Symphony sums up how life in the 21st century can be. It can be like a “Bitter Sweet Symphony.”

I’m like many people who ‘woke up’ in the 21st century and understand that my life is my responsibility. As an adult, I have the power to change what I don’t like about my life. I’m no longer a child. I don’t have to listen to former teachers, parents, aunts and uncles, grandparents, bosses, co-workers, etc. However, some of us still get ‘sucked into’ family drama that rips us out of the vortex. It’s a vicious cycle that can be stopped with focus, determination, and time.

Let’s take a look at lyrics from The Verve’s Bitter Sweet Symphony

‘Cause it’s a bittersweet symphony, this life
Trying to make ends meet
You’re a slave to money then you die
I’ll take you down the only road I’ve ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the veins meet yeah

No change, I can’t change
I can’t change, I can’t change
But I’m here in my mind
I am here in my mind
But I’m a million different people
from one day to the next
I can’t change my mind
No, no, no, no, no, no, no,no,no,no,no,no(fading away)

Well I never pray
But tonight I’m on my knees yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now
But the airways are clean and there’s nobody singing to me now

I think this song can be and is the anthem for most people today, me included. Working in a career you don’t like can suck the life out of you. I’ve been there and done that. There’s absolutely no joy. You become a worker bee. You can’t wait until Friday and dread Sunday. The only reason you stay is for the money. Today, I’m trying the entrepreneurial route and it’s not paying off like I thought or expected it to be. Then again, maybe I need to be patient. This isn’t my strong suit, but I’m open to becoming more patient.

Perhaps your relationships are in turmoil. I’ve worked and continue to work on myself! I must have every self-help book that was ever written. Okay, that’s an exaggeration. But, I have a lot of books and podcasts. What isn’t working? I think it’s me. I think I’m like a lot of people — I get in my own way. I know and understand the message each author conveys but there’s a part of me that’s still holding on. Why? It’s probably fear. Fear that I’ll be alone, fear that success will change me, fear that success will disconnect me from my mom and sister, fear that my work will be in vain, and just plain old fear. Isn’t it amazing how a four-letter word can have power over you if you allow it?

What’s the cure to the Bitter Sweet Symphony known as life? Feel the fear and do it anyway. Get clear about what you want. What are your hopes and dreams? Throw caution to the wind and take a risk. Don’t look back or listen to the naysayers who try to talk you out of your dreams. What’s the worst that could happen? You become successful, you attract investors to your business or film project, you attract a lover that’s meant for you, and you attract the life you always wanted and wished you had. That’s not too shabby.

Rebecca

Related articles
  • The Verve – Bitter Sweet Symphony (lyndonology.com)
  • Bitter and Sweet Food for Thought (englishforteenagers.org)
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