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The Art of Saying and Meaning No

August 7, 2011 by

Question: How can I say “No” and mean it? I often say “Yes” when I want to say “No.” I’m sure my childhood has something to do with this. I could never speak up and say what I really felt. I always had to do stuff out of duty and obligation. It sucked!

Answer: The good news is you’re an adult and can say “No” and mean it. If the people in your life get mad or upset with you it’s their issue, not yours. To quote my law professor, “Too bad, so sad” which means it’s not your problem.

Many people say “Yes” when they want to say “No.” They say ‘Yes’ out of duty, obligation, or a sense of responsibility. Meanwhile they mumble under their breath as they bake cookies, cook a meal, drive a family member somewhere because they never learned how to drive, or whatever it is they agreed to do. Don’t be one of these people! You have every right to say “No” and mean it. The key is to be nice about it. There’s no reason to get snippy.

How to Say “No” and Mean It

1. Be polite. Remain calm and simply say “No, I can’t help this time.”

2. Don’t give an elaborate explanation. There’s no reason give a lengthy explanation as to ‘why’ you can’t help. If you’re busy or will be out-of-town, mention it. You could also say, “I’m overextended right now.” Otherwise, just say “No.”

3. Accept that people be mad or upset with you. You may have to push through your people-pleasing tendencies and get over it. You can’t and won’t please everyone all of the time. You must be willing to accept this and be alright with it. It’s not your job to keep people happy; it’s their job. If you can accept that saying “No” may tick-off family, friends, PTA members, co-workers, bosses, etc. you’ll have grasped the art of saying and meaning “no.”

Whenever you’re asked to do something, don’t do it because you feel you ‘have’ to. Simply say, “I’d love to help, but I can’t.” You don’t have to go into a lengthy explanation. Of course, if you’re going on vacation or will be out-of-town, you could mention it. Please don’t lie and say you’ll be out-of-town, when in fact, you won’t be. Lying is draining and unnecessary. Chances are you will get caught.

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How to Get a Grip on Control

August 6, 2011 by

Do you feel the ‘need’ to control everything and everyone in your life? Do you have anxiety if you’re not in control? If you control everything in your life, you’re not really living. In fact, you’re probably exhausted. There are many reasons why you believe you must be in control. Perhaps, you were mentally, emotionally, or physically abused and feel safe by being in control. Maybe you took control of a ‘bad’ situation when you were a child to protect younger siblings. Whatever the reason, it’s time to ease up on control; otherwise, you’ll put yourself into an early grave.

How to Get a Grip on Control

1. Get help. Seek counseling and or life coaching. Speaking to someone about your control issues is the first step to finding a solution for it. There’s nothing shameful about therapy. You’ll be able to process emotions you’ve probably kept bottled up for years.

2. Allow people to be who they are. Unfortunately, you can’t ‘force’ people to something they’re not. If you do, they’ll resent you. Forcing others to be what you expect or want them to be (especially kids) will drive them away from you.

3. No one is perfect. Trying to be perfect and controlling others so they can be perfect isn’t healthy. Plus, it sounds like a full-time job. You don’t want that, do you?

4. Give yourself permission to let go. There’s a saying, “Let go, and let God.” You have the right to be happy. If you stop controlling everyone and everything in your life, you’ll be free. When’s the last time you had some fun? Let go once in a while and don’t worry so much.

5. Journal. This is a good way to find out ‘why’ you feel the need to be in control. When did your controlling behavior start? Why the need to keep up a facade that everything is fine? What don’t you want people to see? Believe it or not, we all have flaws. It’s alright.

You may think having control is productive but it’s not — it’s a paradox. Being controlling won’t provide you with happiness, safety, and security. It causes unhappiness, stress, tension, anxiety, unnecessary worry, and other unhealthful emotions. Find the courage within yourself to loosen and let go of your grip on control. You’ll feel lighter and as if a ‘weight’ has been lifted off of you.

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A Generous Heart Can Become Resentful

August 4, 2011 by
Broken Heart symbol

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Fellow Students of Life,

Here’s the July 27, 2011 Life Path 5 reading from Horoscope.com:

If you find yourself feeling resentful on this 9-Day it’s time to take some action. You often have a generous and giving heart. However, some of the greater rewards of giving to others don’t come immediately. Often the effects of what you do for other people remain obscure for a long time, if they become apparent to you at all. This is where resentment can build. Trust that what you do really is worthwhile, even if you can’t see it. And do something to reward yourself regularly.

This reading was specifically for the Life Path 5; however, you too may feel resentful when you give and give and don’t receive in return. Your rewards may not be immediate; perhaps they won’t come at all. The key is to give because you want to give. Be selective; be discerning. You don’t always have to give of your time and money. You have the right to say “No” at anytime.

To avoid becoming resentful, do something for yourself such as getting a massage, Reiki treatment, or whatever it is you want. Realize how you’re contributing to the greater good when you choose to give of your time and money. Please don’t stop giving because you’re not receiving something immediately in return. Give for the sake of giving not to get something in return. If you do this, you won’t feel resentful.

Rebecca

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7 Ways Hoarding Buries You Alive

August 2, 2011 by
Peter Pack Rat

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Are you a pack-rat? What about a hoarder? Does your heart race when you see people throw out newspapers, magazines, or old furniture?  Do you have material items from the 1980s or 1960s? Have you sold your house but still haven’t completely moved out? If any of this sounds like you, hoarding could bury you alive.

Hoarding is serious and shouldn’t be taken lightly. People have issues with hoarding for many reasons. For example, those who grew up during the depression tend to be hoarders and or pack rats. They hold onto to material items and stuff refrigerators, freezers, and pantries with food because they fear not having enough. There is truly enough.

On a personal note, my father (deceased) and a few of my ‘older’ relatives are/were pack rats. They can’t and won’t throw anything out such as string, nails, dishes, old newspapers, containers, etc. because they believe something could be used at a later date. My father would leave his birthday and Christmas gifts in the box with the wrapping paper still on it; the tissue paper still in the box. He believed the wrapping and tissue paper could be reused, even though my mom would buy new wrapping paper every year (sales). My mom eventually stopped by new wrapping paper.

7 Ways Hoarding Buries You Alive

1. Strains family and other relationships.

2. No one wants to come over to see you; you become isolated.

3. Your home begins to smell from rotten food and or animal feces — it becomes unsanitary and unsafe.

4. If you hoard animals, you do them more harm than good. Animal control will remove the animals. Some of them will be euthanized; others will be placed in foster homes to be nursed back to health. Healthy animals go up for adoption straightaway. It’s not fair to the helpless animals.

5. You feel you need to acquire more and keep accumulating stuff.

6. You become angry and bitter because the people who love you want to help — they want you to change. But you can’t admit you have a problem; therefore, don’t want to change.

7. You’re setting your children and or grandchildren up for a life of hoarding. Remember, children learn from the actions and words of the adults in their lives. They could grow up to ‘mimic’ your hoarding habits. Do you really want that life for them? How would it benefit them? How would they live a happy, healthy life as a hoarder?

If you or someone you know suffers from hoarding, please get help. There’s no shame in hoarding — all of us have had to face something in our lives. Admitting you need help is the first step. If the people who love you want and offer help, take it. You’re very lucky to have people who love and care about you. They want you to live a happy, fulfilled life — you deserve to live a happy, fulfilled life.

Rebecca

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