My Spirit Has Checked Out, But I’m Still Here

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I vowed to be transparent on MisticCafe.com, and I won’t go back on my word. So … Here it goes. I’ve been in a funk for the past few months. Actually, it feels more like I’ve been in a funk for one year and one month, maybe even longer. I’m doing my best to ‘practice what I preach’ about the Law of Attraction and other metaphysical topics but it hasn’t been working for me lately. If it is working, it’s not working the way I thought it would or fast enough. Who knows?

I have a laundry list of things I want to accomplish before October 1. One of the items on my list is to move back to Arizona. I talk about Arizona every day; I think my mom and sister are getting sick and tired of hearing about Arizona. I can’t help it — it’s where I want to be. I could kick myself for not letting go of outdated beliefs and thoughts placed upon me by my mom and dad, especially my dad’s side. What can I say? I always felt like the ‘odd’ woman out because I beat to my own drum — conformity isn’t a part of my vocabulary. I also don’t respond well when someone tells me I can’t or don’t have the right to voice my beliefs, thoughts and opinions on a topic. When this happens, I cut people out of my life (sometimes completely, sometimes for a short time) without looking back. Sometimes, it’s necessary to love people from a distance. In my case, I have to love them from over 2,000 miles.

I’m very restless; I’m a Life Path five which means I love travel. One of the reasons I love Arizona is the access to highways. I could easily blast to Sedona, the Grand Canyon, Prescott, Tucson or California. I also could have driven to Mexico. I always wanted to visit Chichen Itza. I’m fascinated by the Mayan culture and would love to climb a Mayan pyramid. But I also realized that I want to be ‘grounded’ in Arizona. I’d like to make it my home base. I guess it’s better late than never to figure this out.

Currently, I’m in the Midwest and it’s not working for me. I think I’m surrounded by too much air and water (elements). I’m a fire sign and this doesn’t work for me. I need to feel grounded and have support. The mountains of Arizona are great supporters. Plus, there are more artists and writers who live in Arizona compared to where I currently live. It’s nice to be surrounded by people who understand and ‘get’ you. They understand where you’re coming from.

I keep visualizing and affirming I live in Arizona, but I’m still in the Midwest as of August 31. The area I live in feels more like a retirement community. There’s not much to do; I’m bored to death. I can’t hike or easily get to a highway. Until I moved to Arizona, I never realized how far I had to drive to get to a highway entrance. This doesn’t work for me. I now appreciate Arizona more than I ever did.

I’m not sure how to get out my funk. I meditate, journal, go for a walk (it’s getting old walking around the neighborhood), listen to music, and workout, but nothing seems to help. I feel as if my spirit has left without me. Some spiritual folks would tell me, “Accept where you are.” But I don’t want to do this. If I do, it’s like admitting defeat. Who knows? Maybe I have this backwards. All I know is I need and want to get out of my funk. I’d love to volunteer but opportunities aren’t as plentiful as they are in Arizona. It has the lifestyle I desire. More importantly, it’s where I want to be.

As I was listening to Caroline Myss speak about “Why people don’t heal?” I questioned if the reason I feel stuck or that my spirit has checked out is due to forgiveness. I say “I forgive” (fill in the blank) day in and day out. I journal and meditate about it as well. Maybe I haven’t truly forgiven myself and others. Believe me; I would like my life to move faster. I would like more change, I’m ready for more change. I moved to Arizona and traveled to the UK by myself. I think I handle change. Who knows? Maybe I think too much!

Rebecca

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